Transcription, Captain’s Log, USS Bozeman, NCC-1941

“Captain’s Log, Stardate 41114.4. We are running at warp 6 to rendezvous with the science vessel SS Brezhnev which has been routinely monitoring the collapse of a yellow midget star into a white dwarf. Unfortunately, our efforts to approach the craft and system have been marred by the fact we have become trapped in a causal loop. First Mate Kent is sure that a cache of quantum kryptonium in the cargo hold has something to do with our futile journey. His thesis at the Academy contained extensive deliberation about the debilitating effects kryptonium has on certain species, and due to its quantum instability, it slips too easily from place to place despite our immense efforts to contain it. The Brezhnev, for whatever reason, continues to approach us like the attacking knight in Monty Python’s Holy Grail, appearing to progress, but slipping back 120 parsecs every 7 hours and 16 minutes. We also watch WC772, the midget star, with great interest, wondering if, in fact, it is a Romulan idea for a practical joke. Lieutenant Vlarsikof is sure it’s not really a midget star, but a giant ball of incandescent space spiders waiting to explode on some unfortunate tourist in the sector, but our conjecture is stalled by the fact we keep experiencing deja vu and rediscovering we are trapped in a causal loop and Vlarsikof brings up the same inane theory.”

“Captain’s Log, supplemental. As we download research information gathered on the collapsing star nearby star, we continue to discover volumes of video media that circles around one personality from earth in the late 20th century- one Archibald Bunker. Personality Bunker holds a thick firestick up to his mouth and contorts his face in great pain, as though he was seized by sudden neuropathy, and then he stands and rolls his eyes at whoever is in perview and then he sits back down and blows smoke out of the stick. The library of video is a broad accumulation of nuanced perspectives on the human being, who at one time must have been an immense figure on that planet. Science Officer Acuda believes the video transmission is emanating from the Brezhnev, but that the Brehnev is no longer a functioning craft. Vlarsikof believes that the space spiders created the video transmissions for use as bait to compel passing craft to investigate such a sympathetic figure. Vlarsikof has also been bringing some sort of paper-bagged bottle to the deck, from which he drinks regularly, which he describes as medicine.”

“Captain’s Log, supplemental. In our 74th approach of WC772 and the SS Brezhnev, we are ashamed that we did not listen to Vlarsikof’s conjectures about the midget star, despite the fact he set his scalp on fire after Bunker allegedly provoked him to. Bunker’s rising and sitting behavior, projected unceasingly on smooth surfaces throughout the ship since it was first received after our information retrieval about WC772, appears to have been a warning motion by the last remaining crew member of the Brezhnev. Our perpetual approach of WC772 did in fact cause the ball of incandescent space spiders to explode, and our craft was covered by the magneto space crawlers. Acuda and his scientific staff have also not been seen for 22 hours, and the kryptonium from hold bay 22 has disappeared. And a massive pile of grease-stained white paper boxes with the name White Castle on them filled the transporter deck,.”

“Captain’s Log, supplemental. It turns out WC772 is a giant space fast food restaurant we keep driving through.”