I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the way I am.

Or I’ve always been this way.

The great transition has started, I guess.

Last weekend was the first weekend of our church meeting in its new facilities. Last weekend was the first weekend that I took a complete sabbatical day off. Last week, I said it was okay for myself to just let those commitments go. It was okay for me to not worry about church stuff and group stuff and the perceptions of others and feelings of neglecting duties and such.

It’s okay to change.

I know its okay to accept these other shifts in my life because I also sense I’ve not been taking care of myself for a while.

When I consider my reasons for pulling back, to do some heart work, ad some life work, there are two fears I have that challenge me. The first is that I will isolate too much. The second is that I will not take steps to change.

“All beginnings are hard”, Potok wrote in In the Beginning. Rabbi Ishmael of the Talmud also said the same thing.

Starting anything new- origami, car care, exercising, a new chapter in life- requires a reshuffling of things inside of us. Ways of thinking. Priorities. Commitments of time. Alterations in relationships. Changes in where we hang out and what we do. Often, it’s finding the energy and the commitment within to endure the first steps of changing that is the greatest challenge. Meeting and beating Resistance, as Pressfield would say.

And the truth is, I think as you get older, beginnings become harder.

“Begin with the end in mind”, Covey gives us first in his Habits book. You want to change? Where do you want to end up at? Why are you changing? “Where are you heading?” was the longtime tagline at OneCreative, a creative/marketing firm where I worked for a number of year. You can’t make a goal without having a target.

There is a part of me that just wants to hide away, to disappear for a while, and only stay connected to a handful of people. That part of me thinks I have little significance in this world anyways, that my relationships are mostly all superficial, that it wouldn’t matter that I’m around to most. Some of that thinking is pretty flawed- and it leans a lot on the premise that life satisfaction is found by just doing everything by and for yourself. Some of that thinking is poisoned by God knows what that bleeds into my mind when I think about myself. And some of it is driven purely by selfish desire.

But I know I need people, and I know that I am wired in some ways to find joy through service. I like to be helpful when I can, and encourage another if I am able. I do get some satisfaction from being connected to others. I need others. And I need to find another outlet, even if it is not at a church somewhere, to serve. I don’t want to become more self-absorbed- even more than I know I already am these days. I need to give myself attention, but it is attention that makes me more healthy and responsive to others. Attention that makes me a better person, a deeper lover, a stronger man. Becoming that guy is my wish.

Anyhoo- goals. What do you want to accomplish out of this changing, Bruce?

Physical fitness.

A book.

Better investment in family and friends.

Sell or give away lots of house clutter stuff.

Some heart repair.

Same stuff I seem to always write about.

All beginnings are hard.