“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

I’d like to say that I’m stronger.

I’d like to say that, at my age, I’ve grown past all of this “need of others”, and this “need of approval from others” stuff. But I haven’t.

And I’d also like to think I’ve learned enough in life to be invulnerable to disappointment with others. But I haven’t learned that either.

I’d like to think I am super-spiritual and a perpetual spring of encouragement and refreshment to others as well, but I also know this isn’t true.

I’d like to think I am also a decent sanctuary for others in pain or in need. But I know I’m kind of not.

Thankfully, I believe God is not a person like Joe or Gladys or Ron, and as such, He is partially unknown and un-understandable- but that Whoever and However He is, He is good. He is love. And it is His love that makes life worthwhile and that holds the world together.

I am glad He is God, because it means I don’t have to be.

I’m glad I don’t have to be the nicest, funnest, smartest, kindest person ever. I’m glad I don’t have to carry the weight of trying to be the perfect person to anyone and everyone around me. I don’t have to make everyone around me happy. I don’t have to rescue others because they have beached or bound their lives through bad decisions. I don’t have to fix or fill up or fete others just because they appear to be asking for it. Some people don’t need to be fixed or filled or feted, even though they ask for it. At least not by their friends.

I feel a lot of compassion for others, and believe in the profound power of mercy and grace to change the course of a life, any life. But what I’m realizing is that that grace and mercy does not merely have to come from me.

What I AM supposed to do is love. Love God. Love others. Love myself.

And sometimes you need to figure out how to love God again when you’ve spent lots of your life trying to love others like God. Without His help.

I’m kinda tired. My trust in others is kind of low. I feel frustrated being around most people.

It’ll change, I know, but I feel a lot like I’m a guy running on a hamster wheel.

Looking for an off ramp.

—

“Moses- you are making a mess of things. You are going to get yourself killed. This is not My way. Come with Me now- away from these people, away from the noise and the pain you see around you.

You are not going to fix things, now and by yourself. You are just going to get yourself, and others, killed.

It’s not your time right now, or My way, anyways.

You need to get away and come with Me and learn some things, and find your heart- and find Me again.

You need to come with me out into the desert.”