At one time a few years back, my mom liked to share the sweet little story she had of one day talking on the phone to my sister’s son when he was young. She was asking him some questions about his life, and after answering a few, I guess he lost interest in the interview, and in response to another query, he simply and curtly said “I’m gonna go now- bye” and then just hung up on her.

When you are 4 or 5, you can make such decisions for yourself related to others, and it is acceptable. Heck, it’s downright cute, and it finds its way into family lore.

When you are 15, though, or 20, or 30 or 40, such a play would be a relationship killer. Or at least elicit demands for explanations and reparations.

The truth is, the older we get and the more entwined we become in the lives of those around us, the harder it can be to change, if only because its hard to act against what others have come to expect of us. Granted- some souls have less concern about what others think about them, and seem to move more freely through life, living iconoclastically indifferent to the expectations others might have of them. But I find most people are not that way. If you care about people, you are vulnerable to not wanting to disappoint them, vulnerable to their opinions, vulnerable to their desires for you.

And that can make it hard to change, when you know you need to, and when you know you will most likely upset the balance in some of those relationships. Especially when you are close to those you might teeter.

Some people say they want to change, but in reality, they don’t. In reality, these people are really just hoping to find a way to get away from stuff. Maybe, to get away from some place uncomfortable. Maybe, from some uncomfortable situation or person. Maybe, just to get away from themselves.

Chances are, this kind of “change” isn’t going to really make a difference in your life, because you are not really changing, but rather you are escaping. This is not the kind of change you should look for. You are not going to become different, or a better person. Your problems are going to continue to follow you around. Just because you change your scenery, your problems aren’t going to disappear for long. They will return, because you did not really change you, and they will come with you to your new digs and again work on taking you down.

But if you discover you need to change because you are not truly living to be who you are- if you realize you need to change because you have allowed yourself to fall into the rut of not being the best you you can be, of not allowing yourself to grow in grace and in love, of becoming a taker instead of a giver and a compromiser instead of a pioneer in your life- then you need to realize that this is the kind of change you need to make, despite how others might react to you in the short run. Those who love you for who you are will realize you are working to become more of who you need to be, and will appreciate you for it. Those who greet your efforts to change with disdain or despondency probably didn’t see who you were (or who you could be) anyways.

The hard case is when changing to be a better person means moving away from someone you love.

Time is a bridge and a mediator. If there is love and friendship between you, and you are acting in honesty and earnestness to truly improve yourself- to quell bad behaviors and to become more whole human- the fruits of your efforts will appear in time, and your meaningful relationships will benefit, including those stalled or strained by your need to change. Honest people will love honest people in their lives.

Still, if you recognize that something in your heart needs to change so that you can be the best human and the best heart you can be, by all means, choose to change yourself.

You are the one who will live fully in all of the consequences and collateral impacts of your daily life decisions.

You are responsible for your life.

And taking responsibility for your life is a necessary and key step in being able to love others within it deeply and fully.

Just because you need to change your life doesn’t mean you can’t love others. It just also means you are choosing to love yourself, which for some can be a hard choice to make.

But it is the choice you must learn to make, and always first make to be someone of great value to others.