As I have been digging through literature on male development and masculinity, I find I return to think about the concept forwarded by Eldredge and touched on by other authors: that those men who grow up with a stunted or damaged masculinity somewhere along the way were either abused or neglected in that area of their heart.  Eldredge calls this damaged ability to mature “the Wound”, and in short, he says that the wound is a lack of blessing received by a son from his father (or a father figure) that affirms he is competent, confident and courageous as an emerging adult.  As Eldredge puts it, the father instills in the son the critical heart affirmation he must come to know to grow up: “You have what it takes.”

There is no wound-o-meter or dipstick anywhere that can tell us about the level of our woundedness.  I am sure every man has incidents in his past that he faced as a child or teenager that punctured and challenged him.  Some found resources in facing criticisms or crises to rise above them, and some did not.  Who knows how deeply an experience faced can cut into a person’s heart and will.

Still, there appears to be a pretty strong difference between the wounded male and the whole male in beliefs and attitude.  It seems that there are clear signs that are displayed by the wounded man, while the whole male seems to approach life with more calm, more courage, more confidence.  The wounded male often shirks and shrinks in times of struggle.  The wounded male is often passive and compliant.  The wounded male is often chronically insecure in relationships and in romance.  The wounded male is essentially a boy in grown-up clothes.

One sad but fundamental consequence of this woundedness is summarized by the word fear.  Wounded men have been brought up to fear- either to fear failure, or to fear feelings, or to fear relationships.  Inevitably, all three of these fears shroud the deeper fear that underlies them all- a fear of intimacy.

Sometimes it is not clear where the wound comes from.

I like to think I grew up in a positive, wholesome family.  My dad is as great a man as I have ever known.  He’s always been strong and had answers for questions.  He is  good role model of a man. Our home life seemed stable and positive enough. Still, early on, somewhere along the way, I as a quiet blind kid internalized some malevolent message from somewhere that found its way into my heart.

Over the last few years, I have been realizing the effects of my wound as I have reflected back on the major romances in my life.  While I have not dated extensively, in the handful of significant relationships I’ve had (including my brief marriage), my relationship with each of these women has always moved from a place of romantic engagement to a place of stifling because I, in a swelling fear of loss, become hypersensitive looking for signs that I am not adequate or good enough for her. In my insecurity, I begin to question her about why she did or did not do something in our relationship that it seems involved people should do, to the point that she inevitably ends up feeling criticized and hopelessly disappointing to me, and ultimately, she just ends up quitting me.  In my mind, I am really just looking for that ineffable gesture that assures me that she will love me even though I am flawed. However, what I really accomplish is the strangling of a relationship.

My behavior is the product of a mentality that made the agreement years ago that I was not good enough, and that I would never be good enough for someone to just love me as I am.  That mentality is a careful construction often made on the wound.  What was whispered from somewhere and sometime in the past into the heart- the untruths interred in the heart from an early tongue-lashing, or repeated dismissals of deeds done or words said, or years of silence or neglect- becomes the foundation of one’s heart, and the lens through which all tof life, and more importantly, all other people, are viewed.

With a world full of wounded men weakened by fear, it can be a challenge at times to find hope for change.  Adult males cannot go back and relive their childhoods and find their father’s blessing through some time travel and historical re-engineering.  What has passed has passed and we cannot go back and find the missing pieces to our masculinity.  We have to scrounge around for them now, in where we are at in life.

Some of us try to ignore the wound through the pursuit of power.  Others, wealth.  Others, pleasure.  Some of us try to numb the pain of our insecurities through the anesthetics commonly consumed in our world.  Alcohol.  Drugs.  Sex.  Some, in a rage as a result of their woundedness, succumb to violence.  Others of us, in less drastic ways, temper our inner terrors by trying to control, by trying to manipulate, by trying to isolate.

I am grateful that Eldredge gives a suggestion to men who recognize they suffer from the wound, who struggle with the deep doubt that “they have what it takes” to be a man in this world.  God can father us up into maturity.  God made us to find courage and confidence for facing life.  He made us to find this courage and confidence in Him.

Eldredge makes a simple suggestion for grown-up men dealing with the wound.  He says go to God and ask Him the Question “Do I have what it takes?” until it is answered by Him.

I am trying to take this exercise seriously for myself.

Facing and dealing with the wound is critical for every immature man because the wound keeps us from becoming who we were meant to be, and who we were designed to be: strong, giving, creating, solving, serving, enduring.¹  Wives, sons and daughters need to experience life with mature men to develop maturity in themselves.

In short, the wound keeps you from loving.  And that, too often, keeps you from finding and from knowing love.

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¹ From John Bryson’s website