The hard part for me about having this blog and writing things to it is that I am honest. I want to be an honest person. And I want to write honest things.

But, unfortunately, I am also a pretty subjective person. I want to write a bit about my own life- my own experiences, my own concerns, my own strengths, and my own struggles.

And this means when I write about myself, if I am honest, I cannot always write flattering things about myself. And it means I expose myself to the reader. People I don’t know.

Still, I have to be honest.

So today I get to share with you about how I was short and silencing for a second time this week- on this occasion to a work associate who is the designated office editor of written documents.

In short, she challenged some copy I had written as fill speech for use on a web page, and I was snappy at her about it. I didn’t care much about what I wrote, because I knew it was not the “blessed copy”, and I expected it to be revised. Still, having her come to my desk and instruct me about it threw me into defensive mode because, after all, I am a pretty decent writer. And then having her return to challenge the case of a word in my paragraph added to my gall.

And you know what- I was short with her, and she walked away from me quickly, in silence. And I saw what I fail to see quite often. I kind of scared her. I am 6’5″ tall, a bit wiry, and imposing. While I think I am a gentle giant, I can be short, caustic, and snippy. Mean.

And wrong.

This is the second time this week I have seen my words and my behavior affect someone so they look like they are scouting for the nearest exit. And I think in my heart I am a nice guy, and that I am sensitive toward women. Well, both of these women might not say that.

I don’t know what the problem is with me, that I am short like this. I know in part it is due to my insecurities- due in part to my dislike of being told I am wrong, or being shown as inadequate. But I know much of the source of this problem doesn’t come from these people, or others that are in my life I do the same behaviors with from time to time.

The source of the problem is inside me. No one should make me get defensive over words, over doing a job. No one should be able to drive my feelings or shuffle my attitude about myself except me. But I let them.

Psychologists recognize that often when a person really starts to work on themselves, to deal seriously with some issues in their life, they meet resistance, and they end up confront behaviors and feelings that impact their daily patterns.

I’m not in a major reformation program, but I am trying to let my walls inside down a bit, and to deal more honestly with myself about who I am and how I live. At moments, I discover some liberation. At others, I encounter frustrations.

And in some moments I am strong, and in others I am, well, scared.

I am hoping to find more of the strong as I go forward and try and face life better.

Still, I am having moments where I scare people. I don’t like hurting people at all, and yet this is happening.

I guess I have another apology to make, and I need to think about why I get so defensive.

Midlife, and here we are. You can’t love people by being short with them. We know this already.

Okay, self.

Cool it, bro.