The weekend was good and busy, but with some challenges.

After work on Friday, I met my friend Sally for some dancing with the club people at Grahams. It was enjoyable, but I felt tired a lot more quickly that night than I usually do.

Saturday morning, I woke up, and my long muscles in my arms and legs felt lifeless, stiff, and without energy. I finally got up after about 40 minutes of lazing and keeping warm. Saturday morning, the Upward basketball team I help coach had its first game of the year. We lost, but we saw good things in all of the boys when they played. I enjoyed being involved and thinking about how to help the boys grow.

Saturday afternoon I went to my sister’s to watch the Lobos win a good game against Fresno State After that, I came home and rested for a while until Saturday evening, when the club had a dance I attended. Once again, I found myself feeling physically drained before the evening had ended, and felt frustration with that.

This morning was much of the same: I arose early to go help set up at church, and my muscles just felt tired and strained, as though I had completed an extreme workout yesterday. At church, my hands fumbled at some coordination-requiring tasks, and after my morning chores, I felt physically tired. I had 40 minute, so I went out in my truck in the parking lot (in 10 degree temperatures) and bundled under a blanket and slept.

The service today, and the Living Free open share group I help with, were good. The open group always is. Today we talked about perseverance, and it was a suitable topic. I’ve felt some burn out at church lately and some general frustration in life related to myself and goal setting and such. It was good to reframe my wants within the bigger picture of God’s plans. He asks us to trust Him and to follow his lead.

After church and finishing tear down, I went over to my friend Thearith and his wife Daing’s home to have lunch, joining them and the leaders of our church campus’ children’s ministry. After downing a number of spring rolls (or Winter Rolls, as Thearith called them), we got to talk more with one another about our backgrounds. I’ve seen Bryan and Samantha Davis pretty much every Sunday morning over the past year and some, but it was nice to just sit and learn about their lives. They are great people, and they contribute selflessly in the life of the church.

I finally arrived home from lunch at around 4:20, and I thought I’d take a short nap and then do some life admin things, except my 20 minute nap became 2 hours and 20 minutes. I was startled when I woke up and saw I slept that long. I was too lazy to do much else, so I watched a movie I had from Netflix, wasted some time playing word games with a few friends via the phone, and then decided I needed to go to bed. And then I thought I better write this.

I’ve gone through cycles of this body achiness and body fatigue stuff a few times before. It makes me nervous. It not only makes me feel physically weak and tired, but it also makes my brain feel slow and addled. I’d go see my physician about it, but I was told by my insurance providers that she is no longer in my network- so I have to find a new doctor. I already struggle with motivation issues at times. This exercise frustrates me to no end.

I am trying to hang on to some of the optimism and hunger I felt about making some plans ad accomplishing some things this year, but I already feel some of that drive slipping. Unless I spell out some goals and a vision for my life in this year, I fear I am going to slip back to the passive living I am so accustomed to- which, in my mind, is often short of living. A friend of mine has made the very good point to me that you have to know what you want in life to know if you can find it or have it at all. I need to verbalize these wants and hopes for myself, if only to give me some extra fuel to help me use each day well. I know one of these wants is for a wife who loves Jesus with a vital and honest faith, who somehow sees in me someone who is a valuable, helpful friend and a God-given helpmate she can tackle the future with, with whom I could do ministry of sort by, and, if God permitted it, perhaps have a child. I may be beyond the age of reason for the last wish to be possible, but I will hang onto it until it is clear I have to let it go.

In our Living Free open group today, a friend of mine said his word for the year is “clarity”, that he might see his life in the way God sees it, and that he might no clearly where he should spend his time, and with whom. I thought that that was a great word for the year, or at least for the month, so I am adopting it as well. I am hoping for some clarity about how best to spend my time, my talents, my energies, and my efforts in this year.