The weekend was good. I’m becoming a little more active than I have been of late. My buddy Kurt and I got three Loop jogs in last week. My body needs the exercise to, of all things, stave off aches and pains, among other reasons. I could lose a few pounds as well. We’ll keep it up.

Buried in my mind as something to do for a while, I picked up the domain name “shamelessministries.com” last week. It’s my hope to compose, collect, and curate articles on the site that deal the topic of shame and how to help one another deal with. Shame as a personal complex is the source of incredible damage in an individual’s life, as well as within the psyche of a culture. When I’ll ever get a site up for the resources, who knows. But at least the domain is reserved. Theologically, to me, shame is the anti-thesis of grace. Where grace is the life-giving fruit of the Holy Spirit in human lives, shame is a life-stealing force employed by evil itself to destroy each human heart. Stripped of any theological moorings, it is clear that shame reeks untold havoc on individuals and organizations submerged in its grip. The social sciences attest to this reality.

Waking to dark and frozen skies on Saturday morning, I was grateful to have the first afternoon in a long time to just stay home and chill in the quiet. I was delighted to fire up the fireplace and to sit next to it in the recliner, cover myself with a blanket, let the cats pile on, and then read and nap for about three hours. It’s so hard sometimes to just let yourself stop everything and, without guilt or the pull of a hundred other activities, allow yourself to rest and relax. It was a delightful afternoon.

Between it and a shorter similar period on Sunday afternoon, I finished “The Chosen” again, and was reminded why I love that book so much. Danny Saunder’s father had to raise his brilliant son in silence to ensure that Danny would not live his life solely out of his head, but more importantly, out of his heart. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way one can become fully human, with a capacity to love and to understand others, is to walk a road of pain. For Danny’s anticipated future as a rabbi succeeding his father, he needed to be raised in silence so that he would be able to understand the hurts and hearts of his people and of his God. I appreciate that book so, and I look forward to reading its sequel, “The Promise”, again next.

Despite my increase in exercise of late, I also started on another cycle of muscle aches and the feeling of deep muscle fatigue yesterday, which is something I seem to face every few months now. I essentially feel incredibly drained when I do anything semi-active for more than a few moments, and my arms feel like I have been curling a decent-weighted dumbell non-stop for the last hour. I am perplexed. I have been consistent with staying on vitamins for the last month (C, D-3, B-12, plus a daily). I end up feeling this dull ache in the fibers of the long muscles in my body. A friend suggested it’s time to get my thyroid checked. Or that I try and see if I have any food allergies. It’s a frustrating cycle indeed.

I was deeply, deeply saddened by the Newtown, Connecticut shootings. Who wasn’t, right? Still, since 9/11, I’ve steeled myself to potential events like this across America. Evil exists. Bad people do wicked things. That so many children lost their lives was heart-crushing. And yet to hear about Vicki Soto hiding her kids in a closet and then misdirecting Lanza to leave her room after he killed her was heroic. That woman won my heart on a day of unspeakable horror and grief.

My boss Tim took some pictures of me acting up last Thursday when we and a colleague went out to lunch, which can be viewed here. I don’t smoke and I don’t endorse that, but I like “acting”, which to me really just means goofing around and pretending I am somebody I am not, usually so that I can then revisit the experience and laugh at myself. Tim took some seriously silly pictures of me, and William our colleague patiently humored us as we “went with it” for a few photo ops. It was corny and fun. I was trying to do my best Dennis Hopper in a pic or two. I enjoy acting like a doofus quite often. Just less when others can witness it.

My boss is a great photographer, so anything he takes is usually a good shot. You can see more of his photography on his photo blog Photo of the Day, Etc..

Christmas and Christmas Break approach quickly. I need to get myself oriented to take advantage of it, and to get my mind and goals set for the coming new year. My bro and his family will leave New Mexico for good in January, so I also need to make my time with them count over the next few weeks.

—

9 P.M.

I’m not sure what happened, but I was in a fairly decent mood this afternoon until I left work and dropped by a bookstore in a local mall to pick up a gift. Unable to find parking, my spirit soured pretty quick, and I have remained in a funk for the rest of the evening. I know the onset was caused by crazy people attacking parking spots in the mall. But the sustained mood has largely been the result of relationship frustrations and an amplified sense of feeling alone during the holidays.

Tonight I was reminded that I go through the same routine most days of my life, and I am not particularly thrilled about that fact right now. I am reminded that despite my often cool demeanor, I am still very slow to trust others and to let them in. Friendships and relationships remain such a tremendous struggle for me, simply because at times I am not sure what being close to others is supposed to feel like. It’s a challenge.

The anxiety and darkness is also tiring, and feeling shiftless and undirected tonight, my best answer for today is probably just to go to bed early and look for a better day tomorrow.