“Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is. How awful to be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self.”
― Millicent Fenwick

I am finally admitting to myself that, among others, I have one horrible habit that I recognize I need to get rid of. And it is not my excessive alliteration.

I’ve been realizing I serially succumb to self-pity. I let myself fall into seas of self-absorption and sorrow that serve nothing except to sink and stain my soul.

Self-pity is worthless.

Actually, self-pity is a poison.

In a side point in a chapter in “The Meaning of Marriage”, Tim Keller digresses to discuss Genesis 4, when Cain killed his brother Abel. When we visit the text of this tale in the Scriptures, the origin of Cain’s following failures is made clear:

Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.

Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.
― Genesis 4:2-7”

Cain’s collapse began when God told him that the offering he brought for worship was inadequate, while Abel’s was acceptable. God told Cain that because of his attitude, sin was crouching at his door, waiting “to have him”.

In only the next verse after God speaks to him (v.8), Cain invites his brother outside, and then kills him.

Keller points out that in this passage we learn that Cain’s self-pity was the gateway for the behavior that ended up destroying his life, his brother’s life, and his family’s future.

Self-pity is a welcome mat for other sins.

Why is Self-Pity So Poisonous?

It seem innocuous enough. Someone slights us- someone overlooks or undervalues us- and it seems like we have a right, we have grounds to be hurt and to fume. And in the moment, sure- we do.

The danger begins when we face the pain and let it indict our soul. When we let the slights define us. When we let the losses steal our spirit. When we let our woundedness color everything in our life with despondency and despair.

Self-pity gives us a warped sense of reality. It robs us of our ability to make decisions and to heal from hurts because we let it keep us always focused on our hurts. It delights in keeping us stuck in idle introspection. It feeds our mind with negativity. We end up not seeing our lives as they really are, and if nourished long enough, self-pity takes control of our actions, and our whole being, which is ultimately lethal, because self-pity is another form of self-absorption. Self-pity can locks us into a prison of self which can be nearly impossible to escape without assistance and intervention.

But what we also forget when self-pity takes over is that self-pity empowers powerlessness. Because I beach myself in my pain, my hurts, and the injustices I face, my warped reality includes isolation and separation. My wounds drive me away from others, and not towards them, towards healing and community. My escape into self is simply an escape from others, and in the end, this posture doesn’t lead towards love, but rather away from it. Self-pity short-circuits engagement and growth.

We also fail to realize that self-pity is a posture of flight. Why do I retreat into this sad state of selfish sorrow? Because I don’t want to deal with the problem in front of me. Self-pity is also a mask I wear to avoid facing my fears and failures. I wear it to try and justify myself for whatever compensations life won’t give me for my inner injuries. Self-pity is a form of pride. Poisonous pride.

Self-pity is a dead-end activity. In lesser degrees, it warps our thinking and pulls us out of life. In greater degrees, it can lead us into deep despair, depression, and despondency which, following self to its own ends, can cause us to do great damage to others and ourselves.

Self-pity is pride, a poison, a prison.

So how then do you deal with it?

Self-Pity is a Perspective: Change It

So when you feel sorrow hanging around and you want to wallow in the unfairness of life or in the hurts you’ve been handed- think again.

Self-pity is a perspective. Change it. Recognize it when it arises, and redirect your mind to constructive thoughts. Positive thoughts produce positive feelings.

Hurt happens. Let it motivate you, not denigrate you. You have a choice. Follow your hurt to anger, and then to action. Face your fears, instead of hiding behind hurting. Don’t let your selfishness separate you from others. Instead, chase community, accept the situation, and move forward with friends.

You are not powerless. With God, love, family and friends, you are not alone. Because you have a heart, you can choose to not pop the poison, but rather, to search elsewhere for answers and keep moving on in your life- towards others, towards God, and towards love.

As best as you can, though, avoid self-pity. Run from it.

Self-pity, after all, doesn’t care one whit about you.

Along with its cousin shame, it only cares about draining the life out of you.

—

“He did not know how long it took, but later he looked back on this time of crying in the corner of the dark cave and thought of it as when he learned the most important rule of survival, which was that feeling sorry for yourself didn’t work. It wasn’t just that it was wrong to do, or that it was considered incorrect. It was more than that–it didn’t work.”
― Gary Paulsen, Hatchet

“Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
― John Gardner

“…the most useless of all human emotions was self-pity.”
― Gabrielle Zevin, All These Things I’ve Done

“When we pity ourselves all we see is ourselves. When we have problems, all we see are our problems and that’s all what we love of talking about. We don’t see the good things in our lives.”
― Ann Marie Aguilar

“There is no practice more degrading, debasing & soul-destroying than that of self-pity. Cast it out from you.”
― James Allen

“The nature and depth of human pride are illuminated by comparing boasting to self-pity. Both are manifestations of pride. Boasting is the response of pride to success. Self-pity is the response of pride to suffering. Boasting says, ‘I deserve admiration because I have achieved so much.’ Self-pity says, ‘I deserve admiration because I have suffered so much.’ Boasting is the voice of pride in the heart of the strong. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak. Boasting sounds self-sufficient. Self-pity sounds self-sacrificing. The reason self-pity does not look like pride is that it appears to be so needy. But the need arises from a wounded ego. It doesn’t come form a sense of unworthiness. It is the response of unapplauded pride.”
― John Piper, The Dangerous Duty of Delight