Today was a pretty good day: I made some progress at work on creating a generic form generator that can update any table tied to a selected database, including setting some parameters on form fields and placing some checks on numerical fields. This little app can change how quickly building a backend administration area for a site will go.

All day though I thought about a struggle related to participation at Sagebrush Highland.

I was invited to become a recovery group leader in the Living Free extension the church plans to bring to our campus- the first Living Free program to be plugged into a campus away from the main Riverside facilites. However, to do this, I have to go to Riverside for their Thursday night Living Free program for a few weeks. And doing that means running into her.

It’s not so hard being there and in the same room as her. Well, I’d like to think that. But I suspect that’s not true. I guess what I also want to flee from is my anticipation of seeing that I really don’t matter to her. Even though I have seen so many signs that is true. I am anxious to face the confirmation of it. Amazing how powerful ghosts are. Knowing I don’t matter to her means all the time I spent around her in friendship becomes empty. It’s like a confirmation I never really existed to her, and had any value to her. I think that is part of what I fear.

But it’s been a long time. And I know serving God is about doing His will, and walking through the discomfort that may come up around that. I would like to be a servant in this area at Highland. I am still just hurt by the way that friendship felt discarded, and how other leadership in the program a) didn’t recognize I was gone and b) investigate why, seeking to encourage one who strove to serve with them. I am still sore about that also.

No church is perfect. No company is perfect. No person is perfect. We have to trust God and go forward, listening for His guidance and heeding His lead. Lord, help me to get through this place with grace.

So, I didn’t go to the main campus tonight after deliberation. I went to see my parents instead, ate dinner with my Dad, and then watched the Olympics with him after walking around and talking in the back yard.

Tomorrow comes soon. Man, Lord- help me to get over myself. Thanks for your love in spite of my weaknesses.