For whatever reason, today has been a day of snippets. While at work this morning, I had a number of moments where observations about shame rolled in- and I harvested as many of those as I could for a later post.  Tonight, it was about dealing with self.

With a rare evening home and alone, I ate dinner out on the back patio and reopened Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage” and read through a good chunk of the second chapter.  The book is so dense with insights, though, I stop on every second or third sentence and just think about what the book is saying.  It is hitting the spot for me at this place in my life, and I am grateful for that.

In brief, Keller pauses here for a few moments to simply ask us to look at the main problem of every human heart.  Yes, you and I are wounded people, with reasons why we may or may not get along well with others.  Yes, some of us may require more softness and sensitivity from others in our world as we traverse a dark season in our lives. But none of us are entitled to make our happiness or pleasure or comfort a priority for others.

Keller says marriages falter and fail, without exception, because of human selfishness.  Self-centeredness is still the chief problem of the human heart, which, when consistently given its way, will drive every relationship into a destructive stall and subsequent nose dive.  We can try and dress self-centeredness up in excuses and explanations due to our woundedness from the past, justifying our selfish interests and activities, but these stories hide the truth- and chiefly from ourselves- that at core, we are selfish and we knowledgeably choose to cater to our self and our personal preferences rather than to sacrifice and to serve in occasions when those qualities are needed.

Christ came to earth precisely to give us the power we would need to suspend our selfishness, and in doing that, He said we would find our life and contentment and happiness in living in and through Him. Jesus promised He would meet our needs so that we could think less about ourselves and be free to serve more. That was part of His plan for us.

The main problem that Jesus pointed out about the hearts of people 2000 years ago, surprisingly enough, hasn’t changed  at all in people living today. Self-centeredness is still the core problem in every human heart, and the destroyer of marriages.  “You must lose your life to find it”, He said.

How?  You must forget yourself. Love God, love others.

I appreciated reading this chapter tonight, because I was reminded its message is not just for men and women in marriage relationships.  What Keller says mates must develop in a marriage for it to survive and thrive, I realize I would do well to simply learn in my single state.

You must learn to choose to fight your self-centeredness.  Strive to submerse your self-will beneath the practice of serving of your spouse, your family members, your friends, your neighbors day-by-day.

We do this when we simply trust that God is looking out for us, and that He will provide for us.  He said He would- it’s all over in Scripture.  That’s His hope for us- that we’ll put the weight of our hopes on Him, so He can provide for us what we truly want and need.  When we truly trust God will provide for us, we are free to forget ourselves and to focus on the good of the others in our lives.

Keller points out that the main problem facing members of any marriage- self-centeredness- is the main problem that wrests happiness and fulfillment from any of our lives.  Self-centeredness is our main human problem period.

Tackle your self-centeredness by giving your heart and hopes to God, and choosing to trust Him with them.  Forget yourself.  Seek out opportunities to serve others in your life.  Repeat.

Trusting God is the hard choice in this formula, especially if your marriage relationship is stressed or frozen or broken, and you feel like you are the only one choosing to do it.  However, its in the trusting and turning to serve that freedom and fulfillment are ultimately found, and if you are the one who acts to silence your self-centeredness, God will join you and support you in your efforts, and you will experience changes for good in your life.  After all, your action begins and ends in persistently trusting in Him, and in giving your will to Him.

He promises that if we will fight this fault in our lives, He will make it so very much worth our while- in our marriages, and in our hearts.

 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” ~ I Peter 5:7

“No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.” ~ I Cor. 10:24

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” ~ Matthew 6:33

“Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.” ~ Luke 17:33