Tonight I had an interesting experience, which was a good one, but one I’ve had a number of times before, and every time I have it, it tests me.

I went to dance with our dance club friends at a local club for the bulk of the early evening, and then I went with three friends from the club to IHOP after to sit and chat, like we often do.  I’ll often go with Hank and Beth and whoever else joins after dancing to just hang for a bit.  Tonight, Chris, good friends with those two and a pleasant gal I enjoy dancing with was also with us.

We small talked for a little bit about iPhone apps (mostly me and Hank), and then about some end tables that Hank and Chris are in the process of designing and preparing to build.  We then talked about the cost of different woods, and the cost of one of these tables, based on it being made of pine, and there was a brief lull.  I was sitting next to Chris, and she saw the bracelet I wear on my right hand, and then reached over to move it so she could read it.  And there it was- the opening.  “What does your bracelet say?”

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I am a Christian.  Most anyone who knows me sorta well knows this about me.  They know that I gravitate towards things of God, and that I do church stuff, and those that know me better know that I grew up in churches, and as a young man felt called into ministry.  These people know that I accepted Jesus as my savior as a younger person, and in church parlance,  I gave my life to Christ as my Lord when I was in my late mid-teens, and ever since I have been one who tries to let folks know I love God and such.

But I am also reticent.  These people know that I am human and struggle to be respectful of others and where they have come from.  They know that I am not a hard seller or a pusher- which at times I am troubled that I am not moreso.  As a Christian, I believe in the power and truth that God gave to humanity in first the Pentateuch, and then the rest of the Old Testament, and then in the New Testament, in which he spelled out his love for humanity and his plans for the world.  I am a Christian, and those who know me know I am an evangelical, which means I feel obligated to share with others the good news that I learned from God through his word and the kindness of others to me.  To really follow Jesus in our daily lives, we are supposed to hear and heed his teachings from the Bible, and one of them he asked was that his disciples would tell the world about him, and why he came, and what he did it for.

For much of my adult life I have pandered to the politically correct and, not wanting to be dogmatic or heavy (and largely playing to my need “to be liked”), I have minimized my efforts in sharing my faith, unless I was doing something church-related that made it sanctioned. I think I’ve been like this in part because I have valued what others have thought about me more than I have valued sharing what I deem most important to me with them.  I think I’ve been like this, also, because I, when talking, have struggled to come up with the right words to say, to share this faith in this God of mine. And I’ve been like this some because I know I am not perfect, and I have feared that someone would use my failures as a reason to dismiss the faith.

I want to share the good news with others because it is truly good news and can change a person’s life.  But I’ve also wanted to share it when a relationship has been established, and I want to avoid being a hit-and-run evangelizer.  I hope that part of me is in the message I tell someone else if and when I share Jesus with them.

As an undergrad student, I took a liberal arts course load because I expected to attend seminary after college, and so I took so many classes that seemed relevant to becoming a minister.  Three years of Classical Greek.  Psychology.  English and literature courses.  World history classes. Religious studies classes.  Philosophy courses.  Psychology courses.

I completed my undergrad degree, and life went forward as planned.  I applied to attend a Baptist seminary in California, and I was accepted and admitted.  For three years, I waded through a pastoral education involved Bible study courses, hermeneutics classes, a string of systematic and topical theology classes, as well as pastoral care and church administration and church history courses.  I graduated with a Master of Divinity degree with respectable marks.

And then I went on and spent 9 additional months receiving specialized clinical pastoral education working as a chaplain in a hospital in Houston, where, when not meeting and talking with patients, families, and staff members, additional study was done on human behavior, psychological models, and pastoral care.

I’ve put in my time, reading the Bible and articles and journals and books, and hearing lectures and sermons and seminars, and it is easy for me to put pen to paper and write some semblance of an answer for what I believe and why I believe, but for some reason, I struggle to talk about it. Still. I still struggle to feel I have the right words to tell people about God, and what he’s done for me, and who he is to me, and why I think he deserves a big window of consideration for being in and over their lives as well.

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The bracelet I wear comes from an online ministry I came across a few years ago which, in simple terms, features videos of all kinds of people from different walks of life – some famous, and some simply sharing about their journey of being broken and finding life- who had the realization that God deserved to be first in their lives, regardless of anything else, and that Jesus was going to be their Lord.  The ministry is “I Am Second”, and it is these words that are on my bracelet.

I’ve had this bracelet on my wrist now for probably two years, and occasionally people ask me about it and what it means.  In the beginning, I stumbled to answer their question coherently.  I am getting better, in part because I am realizing that Jesus means more to me than what someone else may think of me.

Tonight, I had a quicker answer.  “I Am Second is an organization that I support and appreciate.  I wear the bracelet as a reminder that in my life, I am second when I try to think about things that matter.”

Hank cut in “Who is first then?”

“I am a Christian, and so I have made the choice to try and put Jesus as first in my life, regardless of what choices I am making, or what I am doing.  I believe the Bible’s message that God sent his Son into the world to give people life, and that life comes from putting our lives into His, and giving our life to Him.”

From there, the light conversation took heavier tones.  Hank then moved off to talk about all religions have a claim about the uniqueness of their messages, and then he hopped over to another question. “I was talking to this guy the other day, and he asked me what I thought the meaning of life is.  I know what answer I have, but I ‘d like to hear what your answer is: what is the purpose of life to you.”

I gave a quick patent answer.  “To know God and to glorify”, and then I wandered into an apology for couching my phrases in church-speak.  We wandered off into a discussion about language and contextualization and how words are loaded by the cultures they are received, and how some people interpret the connotations of a word like “glorify” so differently than others.

We had wandered of into a theological discussion though.  And it wandered around for a little bit.  And then I had another answer to the question roll through my mind.

“Hank, let me rephrase that about our purpose.  I think our purpose here is to learn how to love and be loved.  That’s why God put us here.”

When you know love, you want to share it.  When you know Love, you want to share Him.

As I get older, my mind loses it s capacity to think in complexity. I am finding that simpler answers satisfy much more often than the long contingencies I weave in my mind as answers to questions, answers which extend and hang over mental precipices like half-finished bridges.  Simple suffices more often than not.

But tonight, at least, I was able to state what makes me go- or rather, Who makes me go.  A dialogue has been opened.  And Hank and Beth and Chris remain my friends.

Lord, thanks for the tool in this bracelet.  May it’s message take deeper root in my heart, so that as I do go through each day, human as I am, I remember that I am second.

That you are first in my life.

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Jesus loves me, this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but He is strong. 

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To learn more about “I Am Second” and “I Am Second”-ers, visit iamsecond.com. Interested in wearing the wristband?  Pick up one or ten for you and your friends at the I Am Second Store.