I was first introduced to pastor Tim Keller and his writings last summer after picking up a little book that talked about how not to live as a prodigal in the church. I had heard for some time about how good Keller’s stuff was for the mind and the heart, and so after finally getting to read that powerful first book, “The Prodigal God”, I was stoked to find a new mind to probe related to Christian living and thought. I researched other volumes of his to add to my “To Read” list, and that was when I learned he was finishing a book on marriage. “Awesome!” I thought. “I would really like to read that.”

Through my own struggles in starting and maintaining relationships, I’ve been hungry to look at myself and to try and understand why my heart errs like it does when it comes to love. Always “a nice guy”, I’ve yet persistently found myself perplexed and astounded at my seeming inability to foster and nurture love relationships. And I am not totally clueless as to why. I have always struggled with trust, to feel safe with others, to some degree. And I have also always struggled with my own acceptability, particularly with the women I have liked. At core, I recognize the deep selfishness that has retarded my heart from giving itself out in the way God intended men to love their wives. But still, I have found myself confounded at the isolation I have experienced throughout much of my life.

In the past few years, I have been more aware of my relational deficiencies, as well as of my relational desires. I never suspected when I was younger that I would have lived most of my adult life unattached and without progeny.

And it is not that I’ve never wanted to be deep in a relationship, or to have a strong marriage, or to share my days with a spouse. I’m pretty sure I’ve wanted to know those things most every day of my adult life as I’ve reflected on my past. Those things didn’t happen for me to a large extent because of my self-protectionism, and because of some poor choices, and because of a number of fears that have kept me tied up, and because I have been content to live for myself. They also didn’t happen for me, I think, because God in His grace has probably needed to protect me- and God has needed to protect her, whoever she might be- from the things in my heart which have needed to be faced and vanquished.

Still, I have always appreciated learning about relationships- good relationships- whenever I have the chance, and in particular, what it looks like to have a strong marriage, a marriage that delights God.

Last fall, I read Josh Harris’ “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” on a whim- and it was probably the best book I could read on love and relationships at the time because, in short, he points out that if I love God and I trust God and I believe God wants the best for me, He will bring someone into my life who can bless and grow me when He sees it is right, and my only charge is to let go of the artificial love stuff. The game-playing, date-minded stuff. My only charge is to learn how to love and serve whoever is around me in my life. I needed to hear that at that time.

Brilliant. What a revelation. This is the right course for someone single who wants to walk with God. If you don’t feel the need to evaluate every woman you meet for her value as a potential mate, you can just try and understand and befriend and care about them for who they are. Again, brilliant. I am trying to walk down this road related to romance.

Well, I purchased Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage” around Christmas last year, but it sat on a bookshelf for a few months, waiting around until my mind cleared and I felt ready to read it. I had been wanting to read it since that Amazon box arrived- but I didn’t feel ready to. Until about a week ago- and I started it.

Tonight I started in chapter two, on “The Power for Marriage”, and I was struck with echoes from Harris’ book in the opening thought. And I thought this thought was enough to write about this evening.

The book looks at Paul’s passage from Ephesians 5 on marriage, and in this chapter, Keller points out that you need to know where Paul was coming from when he wrote this passage. Paul had just finished speaking about “being filled with Holy Spirit”, and everything he says about man and wife in chapter 5 rests on that foundation.

The key sentence I highlighted in this chapter was this:

“Only if you have learned to serve others by the power of the Holy Spirit will you have the power to face the challenges of marriage.”

Both Keller and Harris underscore that two people who commit their lives to serve others through the guidance of the Holy Spirit will find themselves in the best position to love each other for the long haul. They both understand how to serve, and they both have learned to go to God for the power and the love they need to give and serve their mates.

How upside down this logic seems to that of the world’s.

Go first to God. Seek to serve. And let him lead your love life.

I am looking forward to delving forward in Keller’s book, but I could certainly stop reading it now, and just stay on these concepts for a good long while.

I am learning again that in God’s ways, service always lays and strengthens the foundations of love.