At age 43, I often think I should be farther along in life than I am. In love. In a profession. In handling the daily grind.

I’ve been on this planet for four decades, and have seen more minutes of living than a number of people I have liked or appreciated: Chris Farley was 33 when he went. Bonhoeffer was 39. Martin Luther King, Jr., was 39. Marilyn Monroe was 36 when she went. Princess Di was 36 as well. David Thomas, a kid I grew up, was 17 when he went. Vanessa Neilson, a beloved girl in our high school, was 18. Shoot- Jesus was 33 when He gave His life up.  I am still here- that ain’t half bad.

Still, there are times I wonder how much I have matured since I was 18. That question largely stands out when I think about romance and love, and who I have loved, why, and where those relationships have gone. I scratch my head on this question- how have I matured as a loving and lovable man?- the most of any of them. Finding love has been so very elusive to me- and for years I have wondered why.

It’s funny- there are some people who find it so easy to move in and out of relationships, and they have built up a lifetime of doing it. Occasionally I will hear about someone, a friend of a friend who, after being married for 15 years, gets divorced, and a year and a half later, they have dated someone for 6 months, been engaged, and are married again.

Then there are those other people in life who are always dating, who are always together with someone, whether their last relationship was 2 months or 2 years. Once they are out of one relationship, the next one is cued, and they have a new boyfriend or girlfriend. No need for them to be alone for any extended period of time. Hey, I am happy for you if you are actually finding happiness in your life being with someone new every few months.

I’ve had periods in my adult years where I have had such a deep yearning to be like what seems to be normal for most other grown-ups: being together with someone for a long amount of time. I’ve yearned for the romance that comes with being with someone who loves you, and for the down time delights that come from just being committed and connected to someone for a long time, so that a dreary winter morning together becomes magical because of the shared miles. I have always wondered what that is like. But that is because I have not had a very robust track record in love and dating.

I have been alone more in my adult life than I ever dreamed I would have as a young man. I always thought I would have a normal traditional home life as an adult- marrying young, having kids, working my job, and going through years with my wife. But I am 43, and it has not turned out that way. Instead, I have spent most of my adult years pushing down insecurities and fighting feelings of inadequacy that somehow crept into my heart despite the fact I had a positive childhood.

And in the few close relationships I have had with women over the years, I have seemingly tattered in time what at outset seemed to be good potential partnerships. I have always struggled to think I could hold on to someone if I thought they did love me. Actually believing that one of these women might also love me has been a stretch.

We are made to love and to know love, and billions of people around the world have figured out how to get along with one another well enough. Many of those have come to discover love in their lives through those unions, despite the struggles they have faced in getting and remaining close to one another.

At my present age, there are some times if I will ever have another shot to actually build a healthy relationship with someone. If I will actually allow myself to be trusting enough to let someone else in and throw myself into them, and pour my life into them. I hope so. I know I have held tightly to the hope that I might meet the right kind of woman out there still. I feel a little too old to be young, and a little too young to be old. But I still hope that I might meet a heart mate- well, the helpmate- that God might have for me out there.

I am daily aware that it seems I have a lot of work to do to be “worth” loving by someone. I want to be worth loving by someone I walk through life with. And yet, at the same time, maturity and wisdom also tell us that “being worth loving” is not how the deal should work. Hopefully, you find someone that is as doused in grace as you are, and who sees you for who God made you to be- and they love you because of that. Not because you qualified to be lovable. I struggle with that.

It seems that most of the women I have been in love with in time do not see me for who I am, and have not loved me for who I am. That’s one issue I need to work on. Letting God drive the selection process for one who makes my heart fly, not me.

It’s great to know that in even in midlife, we can keep growing. And hoping.

I am trying to let God change my heart, and to let go of my longings for love. He says to seek His kingdom and His righteousness first, and everything else will come along in its time. Instead of thinking about landing a girlfriend, I am challenged again to just learn how to love, period. Serve those around you. Give without expectation in return. Trust Him to fill you up. That’s what I am aiming at now.

I have had maybe 4 or 5 girlfriends in my lifetime. I was married once to one of them for two years, and that marriage was the result of a bad decision, a mistake, a source of great pain for the both of us, and stillborn out of the gates.

I do not have a strong history in love, romance, and dating.

But God is still in the business of resurrecting hearts and hopes.